The Mystery of the Missing Fuselage

Here’s a little tale I picked up on the Beeb. People have been nicking stuff from the MOD to the value of about £700,000 last year. It’s pin money at the size of the MOD budget, but what intrigued me was the items the thieves made off with. A bridge? A ship’s anchor. A plane’s fuselage?

How in the name of hell and 25mm ring spanners do you get a plane’s fuselage out from under the noses of the Military Police?

“Hey. Where are you going with that jumbo jet?”

“Er, we’re just taking it away for a respray guv.”

“Oh. That’s all right then. For a minute I thought you were nicking it.”

Or maybe they persuaded the gate police that it a Red Nose Day stunt. “Bloke dahn the pub said he’d give a tenner to Comic Relief if we turned up wiv it.”

“As long as it’s in aid of a good cause I’ll let it go. But make sure you bring it back on Monday.”

And the anchor? “I’m just borrowing mate. Brakes are a bit iffy on the car.”

And what kind of transport did they use to sneak off with a bridge? Low loaders tend to be 100 feet long and weigh in at anything up to a couple of hundred tons. Didn’t anyone notice?

There were smaller items on the list. Like a clarinet (I got sick of Stranger on the Shore, too) night vision goggles (a must for any peeping tom) and a boat rudder. My guess is the rudder was nicked by a Condem MP hoping he could use it to steer the economy on a more even (and personally profitable) course.

About Flatcap

Flatcap is in residence, tucked away in his corner of the public bar, where for the price of a brace of brown ales, he will treat you to his world-weary opinions on any and every subject you can think of and a good many you can't.
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